Musings

  

Today, I had lunch downtown with a named Daniel who met my dad on the Washington Wine Tour.  He had offered to take me to lunch and provide some insight about the Chicago Job market and offer some suggestions. [Unfortunately, August-December is the driest hiring spell in Chicago; everyone is trying to make it to the end of the year]. Daniel was awesome--so nice, so helpful, so funny. He encouraged me that I was on the right track, that I should keep doing what I'm doing and stay positive. He confessed he had ADHD, which explained our mile-a-minute conversation.  Lunch lasted a full 2 hours, and there wasn't a dull moment.  I left lunch with a thankful heart, extremely helpful feedback, and sore muscles from laughing.  

Our lunch spot was incredible.  It was smack downtown, right on Michigan Ave. and the Chicago River.  We sat outside next to a fountain enjoying the Indian Summer.  

View from a sunny courtyard off Michigan Ave.

When I left lunch, I decided to go for a walk to enjoy the weather and explore downtown before I went home.  While I was crossing the river, I passed a woman with a sign that said she was stranded and needed a bus ticket for $37.00 to get back to her kids in Wisconsin.  She wrote in bold "I'm not homeless".  I walked passed her, ready to shed the guilty feeling that comes every other block in Chicago.  But I couldn't shake this one, I felt compelled to help her.  I looked in my purse, and all I had was a $5 and $20 dollar bill.  I decided whatever her circumstances, she needed the $20 more than I did.  I walked back across the bridge, gave her the $20, asked her what happened.  She told me she got her purse stolen while she was visiting, and then asked for my bag of left overs.  I wished her the best of luck, she said "God Bless", and I went on my way.

I normally wouldn't say anything about something like this.  Even when I thought about writing this post I was thinking "when you give, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing." But  as I walked away, I felt even more troubled.  Why did I feel bad for giving this woman $20?  Was it because she asked for my food right after I gave her money?  Was it because I gave the $20, not the $5? Was it because I wanted a more elaborate story? I couldn't figure it out.  I think there is some odd societal guilt that comes from giving money to people on the street.  Like we're taught they are all scamming us, or there is a better way to help.  It seems like a cyclical thought process the keeps us from helping, or allows us to walk past.  Or then I thought this--what if we feel guilty afterwards because we chose to help that person rather than the 20 previous people or the person at the other end of the bridge?    Every time I walk past a person in need I think, "What if that's Jesus?"  Maybe we're troubled because we hope Jesus was posing on the right side of the bridge and not the left side.  Did we choose correctly?

I know that helping isn't some spiritual Jesus spin-off of "Where's Waldo?",  but I couldn't direct my mind elsewhere.    

Maybe it's that I don't want to feel accomplished for only giving $20 because I could do more, so I feel guilt instead?  What is it?  Does anybody else feel this dilemma?  

                                                                                                                                                                  

On a less introspective note, my mom is coming to visit tomorrow!!  I'm ecstatic.  I have swept, dusted, and mopped the entire apartment.  Which is feat because my roommate has a cat; that's another story but...let's just say I swept up about a pound of cat hair.  Mom and I are going to have the greatest time.

An equally positive note:  I landed a part-time job with Anthropologie last week!!!  So I am now no longer unemployed, I will be making money so my job search will be less stressful.  Even more positive: I get a 40% discount at Anthro and its affiliated stores.  Actually, wait, I'm not sure if this is a good thing.  Can I handle the constant temptation to spend my paycheck on the ridiculously adorable clothes that are AT A DISCOUNT!? We'll see. 

I mean, they sell this.  Need I say more?